Anorexia Continued...

I wanted to finish my post the other week...month. Time has a way of keeping me from posting, and the holidays. I'd also like to note that my friend, Josh Weed, is an inspiration to me. I may post more on that later about why I've chosen to open up on my blog about this eating disordered thinking I've come to battle with.
Okay, so where was I? Pregnancy. First, I'd like to note that it is nothing short of many blessings that my body works like clock work after the many years of no menses. Many times I feel guilty to have this  blessing, especially when I know so many of my friends and relatives struggle to become pregnant. This is one reason I'm in therapy to try to not berate myself on the challenge that it is for me to carry a child while knowing that anyone of these dear, dear people I associate with suffer infertility. So, it's hard for me to talk about this deep struggle I have because it may be perceived as whining or complaining. It's not. It's truly not, but with pregnancy comes something I can't control: a trigger toward anorexia. Last year I finally went to a doctor about it. I was suffering postpartum at it's worst as Julia fully weened herself from breast feeding. I felt I was on the brink of going back to what I had promised God so long ago I would never do. I've only ever once felt Satan's grasp literally around my shoulder, that was the week I realized I needed to be hospitalized. When I felt so low after weening Julia I felt a blackness come into my life. It is a miracle that Stacy was there at a book club meeting. If I hadn't have talked to her, I'm not sure if I would have had the strength to resist habits that seemingly died 14 years ago. I went to see a doctor who has experience with eating disorders, thus staying on top of the research that has been put out. I sat crying and shaking in his office. He told me about genetical findings, triggers that actually can trigger the DNA for anorexia/eating disorders. Between him and my eat. dis. counselor we've identified that when my body goes through major hormonal changes that triggers my eating disorder DNA so to speak, kind of like depression can be triggered or something of the kind. This sounds kind of hocus, but as he explained in further depth (using real medical terminology, I know I'm not explaining it correctly, I think Tom would be gouging his eyes out while he read this. But hey, I'm trying to give the idea without writing a medical book on the subject.) I felt something inside resinate with the words that were being spoken. For me, when my hormones shift so does my brain chemical. Some stuff goes up, some stuff goes down, add in the progesterone, etc and I'm a mess. NOT to mention that I gain weight, significant weight (yeah, I'm no barbie with a bump- it's the full 30-40 pounds baby). It's called being pregnant, I'm normal. But my distorted body image kicks in and all I can see is a mass of Fat Me. The only way I've found to get through it is to get my head out of the game as quickly as I can. I turn off my brain somehow, by cleaning, music, calling someone...a lot of someones. I'm getting off subject. I was talking to someone about this and they said, "well, if you say you can be healed, then why don't you have children after your healed." Good question. I've thought a lot about that. But here it is, I can't control how my body reacts to the hormonal shift. I wish I could say, "oh yeah, that doesn't trigger anything anymore." But let's face it. Every time I get pregnant is gets harder, no matter how much therapy or help I've gotten to regain my placing on the road to healing. It isn't impossible to be healed while your pregnant either, however, after much praying and temple going I've realized the right answer for me is to be perfectly and incandescently happy with four beautiful children. I think recovering from anything takes the courage to seek God's will and then learn to be content with it. To find joy in it.

I think that's all I wanted to talk about concerning my eating disorder for right now. Oh wait, an ending note. Several weeks ago I walked into my counselor's office ready to face the fact that I was always going to be that person who would struggle with an anoretic mind. My recovery is moving so slow. It's easy to control your physical self. It's so much harder to control your thoughts. I asked point blank if any of her clients fully healed, both physically and mentally. She said yes. I just sat there and cried. How can you not compare yourself to everyone in the room, especially if your life style is so closely matched to a friend or a sister? How can you not compare yourself to those who do hop on the diet band wagon? How can you not notice that you are the one with a muffin top? How can you not feel absolutely disgusting after eating five cookies and three pieces of pizza and a coke? Even if you don't do anything about it, how can you not FEEL the way a person with an eating disorder feels? At the end of the session I asked again if full recovery was possible. She said yes. Then I asked, how do these people know? What is their life like? How do they not? And Gwen said, "They just don't think about it. It never enters their mind." It might as well have been said straight from heaven. This is what I want, more than a size 2, more than anything anorexia could give me. Guys, it has taken me 14 years to say, "yeah, I still think this way." If it takes me another 14, I swear I will die in peace from anorexia. There will come a day when I will eat five cookies, three pieces of pizza and a coke and I won't even think about it. I won't even look at you the next day on face book or on your blog and wish to have your body. That will be the day when I will look at Anorexia and say, "I never knew you."