The thing about recovery from an eating disorder is that you don't really notice a huge difference until you look back. I feel the same. I have the same skin. Have that same personality, but it's the little things that are changing. Okay, one big thing I noticed a few weeks ago is that I'm seeing myself as truly pregnant and not just huge all over. But here's to the little things- I'm able to work through the stress of what normal eating brings. Sometimes you have a plenty of healthy food to make a great meal, sometimes you are at the end of the budget and you just ran out of fresh fruit and you have to make do for a couple more days. At one point that would freak my mind out to have the flexibility to eat more food storage than veggies and fruit, but now this is how life goes once in a while. Sometimes I buy a bag of m&m's and eat maybe a handful here and there. Other weeks (this is more common at the current moment) you eat a couple of handfuls every night and then the bag is gone. Half of you wants to not even care the other half tries not think about how many m&m's are now loitering around in your bloodstream. But this is all life, it's all normal. For me, it's not so much that it is happening, but how I deal with normal life choices.
The hardest part is not getting sucked into food-fads, and not comparing myself to people who I feel like I could "compete" against. That may not make sense to you, lets call that keeping up with the Jones's.
The fact of the matter is recovery from Anorexia for me is being able to see all the things that are out there in the world, all the things that originally would trip me up, all the things that I can't control in other people's lives, and NOT let it affect me. To just let it be. That my capacity to deal with this issue is greater than the issue itself and therefore no longer bothers me. It's like knowing that the beer industry is going to continue to grow and make money, but I really don't care because I don't drink and I have a capacity to not go there n
or let beer affect life choices. And truly, beer has no precedent in my life choices because it simply is not a part of my life. That is how healing and Anorexia work in my life. That is what I am going for. Not that it will disappear from society, but that it doesn't hold any bearing in my life.
As I come to see that, I come to see also that in just shy of 10 months the hardest trial of my life to this point will bring the most wonderful joy that I am now experiencing. Life with a body that is creating a life. Freedom to experience pregnancy free from an eating disorder. AND, the best part, a little soul who will join our family forever.
