Anorexia Continued...

I wanted to finish my post the other week...month. Time has a way of keeping me from posting, and the holidays. I'd also like to note that my friend, Josh Weed, is an inspiration to me. I may post more on that later about why I've chosen to open up on my blog about this eating disordered thinking I've come to battle with.
Okay, so where was I? Pregnancy. First, I'd like to note that it is nothing short of many blessings that my body works like clock work after the many years of no menses. Many times I feel guilty to have this  blessing, especially when I know so many of my friends and relatives struggle to become pregnant. This is one reason I'm in therapy to try to not berate myself on the challenge that it is for me to carry a child while knowing that anyone of these dear, dear people I associate with suffer infertility. So, it's hard for me to talk about this deep struggle I have because it may be perceived as whining or complaining. It's not. It's truly not, but with pregnancy comes something I can't control: a trigger toward anorexia. Last year I finally went to a doctor about it. I was suffering postpartum at it's worst as Julia fully weened herself from breast feeding. I felt I was on the brink of going back to what I had promised God so long ago I would never do. I've only ever once felt Satan's grasp literally around my shoulder, that was the week I realized I needed to be hospitalized. When I felt so low after weening Julia I felt a blackness come into my life. It is a miracle that Stacy was there at a book club meeting. If I hadn't have talked to her, I'm not sure if I would have had the strength to resist habits that seemingly died 14 years ago. I went to see a doctor who has experience with eating disorders, thus staying on top of the research that has been put out. I sat crying and shaking in his office. He told me about genetical findings, triggers that actually can trigger the DNA for anorexia/eating disorders. Between him and my eat. dis. counselor we've identified that when my body goes through major hormonal changes that triggers my eating disorder DNA so to speak, kind of like depression can be triggered or something of the kind. This sounds kind of hocus, but as he explained in further depth (using real medical terminology, I know I'm not explaining it correctly, I think Tom would be gouging his eyes out while he read this. But hey, I'm trying to give the idea without writing a medical book on the subject.) I felt something inside resinate with the words that were being spoken. For me, when my hormones shift so does my brain chemical. Some stuff goes up, some stuff goes down, add in the progesterone, etc and I'm a mess. NOT to mention that I gain weight, significant weight (yeah, I'm no barbie with a bump- it's the full 30-40 pounds baby). It's called being pregnant, I'm normal. But my distorted body image kicks in and all I can see is a mass of Fat Me. The only way I've found to get through it is to get my head out of the game as quickly as I can. I turn off my brain somehow, by cleaning, music, calling someone...a lot of someones. I'm getting off subject. I was talking to someone about this and they said, "well, if you say you can be healed, then why don't you have children after your healed." Good question. I've thought a lot about that. But here it is, I can't control how my body reacts to the hormonal shift. I wish I could say, "oh yeah, that doesn't trigger anything anymore." But let's face it. Every time I get pregnant is gets harder, no matter how much therapy or help I've gotten to regain my placing on the road to healing. It isn't impossible to be healed while your pregnant either, however, after much praying and temple going I've realized the right answer for me is to be perfectly and incandescently happy with four beautiful children. I think recovering from anything takes the courage to seek God's will and then learn to be content with it. To find joy in it.

I think that's all I wanted to talk about concerning my eating disorder for right now. Oh wait, an ending note. Several weeks ago I walked into my counselor's office ready to face the fact that I was always going to be that person who would struggle with an anoretic mind. My recovery is moving so slow. It's easy to control your physical self. It's so much harder to control your thoughts. I asked point blank if any of her clients fully healed, both physically and mentally. She said yes. I just sat there and cried. How can you not compare yourself to everyone in the room, especially if your life style is so closely matched to a friend or a sister? How can you not compare yourself to those who do hop on the diet band wagon? How can you not notice that you are the one with a muffin top? How can you not feel absolutely disgusting after eating five cookies and three pieces of pizza and a coke? Even if you don't do anything about it, how can you not FEEL the way a person with an eating disorder feels? At the end of the session I asked again if full recovery was possible. She said yes. Then I asked, how do these people know? What is their life like? How do they not? And Gwen said, "They just don't think about it. It never enters their mind." It might as well have been said straight from heaven. This is what I want, more than a size 2, more than anything anorexia could give me. Guys, it has taken me 14 years to say, "yeah, I still think this way." If it takes me another 14, I swear I will die in peace from anorexia. There will come a day when I will eat five cookies, three pieces of pizza and a coke and I won't even think about it. I won't even look at you the next day on face book or on your blog and wish to have your body. That will be the day when I will look at Anorexia and say, "I never knew you."

This is Julie in  a nutshell. Need I say more?

Turkey, the flu, and an intro to Anorexia

As every holiday ensues I'm reminded what is right around the corner, FLU SEASON! Paul and Julie broke us in two weeks ago, and then the night after Thanksgiving Julie decided to go for it again. That was fun, but maybe not as fun as sleeping through the night. So, I'm home from church because poor boo had a fever till 3pm yesterday. I should be taking a shower, getting lunch on, or picking up the rest of the living room I started cleaning about 30 minutes ago. UGH.... OR I could blog about what is on my mind.

After writing two entries in my "private blog" of my eating disorder, I decided writing all of that was as much work as sifting through was is actually bothering me. And, for some reason, I seem to complain a lot, and moan and groan about people I love and some I don't. You would think you'd come to some resolve, but reading it again later, doesn't bring clarity for me, it hampers my recovery. So, I'm making it a point to tell a little bit about whatever it is I want to talk about on my blog at random times. It seems a bit odd. You'd think I'd just phone a friend or my sisters or that I'd just journal. But I kind of want to share somethings in my recovery. I want people to understand the normalcy of an eating disorder instead of it feeling more like a red-alert or a label. I guess I also want to just share my life too.  We all have struggles and we all have joy. I like to hear both sides of peoples' life if they want to so share. So, in between my beautiful life of being a mother and posting the most adorable pictures of my American Dream, you'll also get buffed on the mortality of me as a human being. If you don't want to know, don't read.

Okay, now I'm out of time, but here's something I've thought of for quite a while: Anorectic vs Anorexic. What is the difference? I didn't know and thought nothing of it until Gwen (my amazing eat.dis. therapist) brought it to my attention. Anorectic is a tendency toward, a way of thinking or analyzing. Anorexic is a person in the action of Anorexia; a person actually in the act of starving. Now I know you can cruise the internet and find that my definitions don't necessarily match other searches. But, how-now, this is what Gwen and I talked about, so I'm sticking to this and I don't really care if I'm technically wrong, it's truth to me. When I was around twelve I started showing signs of an Anorectic mind, by 14 I was Anorexic. Didn't last long, by 15 I was treated in an adolescent hospital (I've always wished our insurance would have covered Center for Change, but now I see my journey was lead my God's hand.) While I was in the hospital I committed to God to never starve myself or doing anything extreme to my body if He would always be there for me. From that day I stopped hiding food, using diuretics, starving, over exercising, counting calories that didn't exist, etc. All of the actions stopped, but it took many years to change my thinking patterns. It's easy to control the body, but the mind is a willful
and stubborn old man. Positive changes in my life happened, I experienced what it was like to laugh at a story being told even though there was food in the room. I still remember the day I felt satiety kick in. It was at my senior Lakette Banquette. I'll never forget it. It is a golden memory stands as a tender mercy from God for me to treasure. There were a lot of hardships. Gwen and I use this phrase, "pendulum swings". It took me five years to naturally say, 'stop, you feel great, don't eat that anymore'. One night on our way home from Cottages and Cranberries I ate almost an entire loaf of bread from Great Harvest. I could not stop eating. I wanted to, I felt so full I started to cry. I felt awful shame, but I could not regain any self-regulation. It is the same feeling as starving yourself really.

Inch by inch I've found little tools that have helped me gain an understanding of how to put the puzzle of normal eating back together. By the time I met Tom I must have been at my heaviest weight and I was so super frustrated about the swings of the pendulum going from what I considered normal to literally eating like a cow (you know they eat most the day, and chew their cud the rest). I found in Tom something I hadn't found before and I don't know what it is exactly except I was able to see myself as a little attractive and I just tried to follow his eating patterns. There it was- just a tiny bit of stability. Then I got pregnant..... to be continued.

Randomness of Summer and Fall

Happy Halloween, you can see julia was really excited about her lion outfit.

our newest love. Our family fitness center has a cool wall. Check Lyd out in a skirt!

 My birthday. I think something happened, or Tom said something really funny. Either way, I love being 29 and I love this picture!!!






We went to Steak n' Shake for my birthday. Loved it. You need to try the Monte Cristo sandwich...I think that's the name.

Look at those cute kids picking out pumpkins! yeah, Julie might have only wanted to go chase the squirrels.





One of our many "hikes" here in Indiana. This one was really cool bc we came to train tracks, found a pile of track goods....we felt like hobo pirates! The kids tried to haul their loot back. They only made it 10 yards. Those nails are heavy.

 

I will let you guess what part of the armed forces my children want to join.








Paul and Tom catching some Walleye at about 4am.






Forgot this Halloween pic. Ahhh, love my juber.

Look at these adorable faces. Paul is at the BYU/ND game, julie at the stake fair, and Tom reminding me of the joy of running.

After almost a year, I did it.

Right now I feel a little triumphant. After almost a year I've set up a blog for me to write about my recovery from postpartum. It's a little easier to say than Anorexia. I've not starved myself for 15 years, but I've realized I've not fully recovered either. That is a hard thing to admit. It's hard to go back to counseling and find true healing. I have to go now, but it feels good to finally do something that was so hard to do for so long.

We are Here

Sorry folks, I've been hiding from doing this. I think I feel guilty when I don't upload a picture, so then I just don't post anything....

Here's some updates:
Lydia and Paul are riding without training wheels (whahoo!)
Tom bought us all a canoe
Julia is as honery as a bear
We are moving in two or three weeks
I'm running the Sunburst half on June 2nd

I'm thinking of posting some about my recovery from post partum/anxiety...yeah I dunno, what do you think? Somehow blogs are always so smiley and gooey that it'd almost kill the mood. I'd start a separate blog but I'd never really keep track of it. It's one of those things that I think about, but can't make up my mind and then I get muddled and then my brain goes, blurp.

Christmas Story All Over Again

Alright, so March is here and December is WAYYY past, but I need to document that we actually do stuff. Here's prior to a great sledding day over Christmas Break. Look at Julie, she's such a puffalump! I'd upload more pics, but this took 2 minutes to load. REALLY? Is this blogspot, or is it my computer? Gee Wizz.