Terrible Tuesdays

I can't figure this out, but every Tuesday for the last few weeks have been very hard. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it is the weather, but every seven days I have a fall out. Today I'm petrified to go into my kitchen. Last Wed. I went to see my counselor. I said, "Yesterday I didn't want to eat because if I started eating I know I wouldn't be able to stop." Then she said, "Well, that's not what I'd like to hear. What I'd like to hear is 'Today I want to eat and I would like to stop.' "

Okay, well today I would like to eat and I would like to stop. The only way I'm doing that is to eat at a scheduled time and pre-plan what I'm going to eat. No, it doesn't liberate me, it's probably not what my counselor will want to hear, but it's the only thing I can do to keep functioning today. It's the only compromise between starvation and a binge. I want to be better so bad. I feel light-years away. I wish I were able to go and meditate and come back not caring about weight and how big I feel, but all I can do today is cry it out. Maybe that is a skill? Who knows. All l know is that I'm trying.
 Paul even came in and asked why I was crying.  We had to discuss how hard it is to make a baby and sometimes it just makes you cry. Paul said, "I'll bet you'll be happy when that baby gets all made". Oh yes, sweet Paul I will. Poor Tom had to give me a pep-talk over the phone.