A month Later...38 weeks

The thing about recovery from an eating disorder is that you don't really notice a huge difference until you look back.  I feel the same. I have the same skin. Have that same personality, but it's the little things that are changing. Okay, one big thing I noticed a few weeks ago is that I'm seeing myself as truly pregnant and not just huge all over. But here's to the little things- I'm able to work through the stress of what normal eating brings. Sometimes you have a plenty of healthy food to make a great meal, sometimes you are at the end of the budget and you just ran out of fresh fruit and you have to make do for a couple more days. At one point that would freak my mind out to have the flexibility to eat more food storage than veggies and fruit, but now this is how life goes once in a while. Sometimes I buy a bag of m&m's and eat maybe a handful here and there. Other weeks (this is more common at the current moment) you eat a couple of handfuls every night and then the bag is gone. Half of you wants to not even care the other half tries not think about how many m&m's are now loitering around in your bloodstream. But this is all life, it's all normal. For me, it's not so much that it is happening, but how I deal with normal life choices.

The hardest part is not getting sucked into food-fads, and not comparing myself to people who I feel like I could "compete" against. That may not make sense to you, lets call that keeping up with the Jones's.

The fact of the matter is recovery from Anorexia for me is being able to see all the things that are out there in the world, all the things that originally would trip me up, all the things that I can't control in other people's lives, and NOT let it affect me. To just let it be. That my capacity to deal with this issue is greater than the issue itself and therefore no longer bothers me. It's like knowing that the beer industry is going to continue to grow and make money, but I really don't care because I don't drink and I have a capacity to not go there n
or let beer affect life choices. And truly, beer has no precedent in my life choices because it simply is not a part of my life. That is how healing and Anorexia work in my life. That is what I am going for. Not that it will disappear from society, but that it doesn't hold any bearing in my life.

As I come to see that, I come to see also that in just shy of 10 months the hardest trial of my life to this point will bring the most wonderful joy that I am now experiencing. Life with a body that is creating a life. Freedom to experience pregnancy free from an eating disorder. AND, the best part, a little soul who will join our family forever.

34 weeks and spring

Well spring has been a shot in the bucket. Good thing we don't expect great things from the month of March. April, however, better be a different story. I'm also excited that 34 weeks of pregnancy is on it's way out, I'm soon to be 35 in two more days. AHH. Then I will only have 5 more weeks of this beautiful babe. How are my curtains? How is my chair full of springs with no new upholstery? Well, they are all about half done. That seems to be the story of my life in the crafting world. Oh well, whatev. Maybe when the baby is 3 I 'll get it all done. big grin because it is probably true.

Happy Crafting everyone! And Happy Easter!

5 more weeks of winter

We can do this. I'm so happy and even though it's only 30 degrees outside it's sunny and the birds are chirping. Go birds. I'm headed out to scrub my van. Can you guess who snuck some milk in there and then spilled it?!!! Some days...

Also, going out to find two more springs and lashings to reupholster my chair. I never thought I'd be the one doing it, but I need a distraction from my pregnant world. Which reminds me, down to 9 weeks till go time. YES! I have so much to write about the progress I'm making toward recovery, but I don't really feel like typing about that.

Oh yes, and my two year old broke our cannon. any suggestions for a small camera that takes great pictures and is easy to upload to computers?

HAPPY DAY VALENTINE

I really need to upload the pictures from Tom's phone, but in the mean time....

Today is a day that I think is a little over-rated, however, my children LOVE it and I LOVE them, so I'm going to make it special. Paul and I will share a lovely afternoon playing legos (let me tell you how much I love my kid for doing this) Julie will get to enjoy an hour of tumbling on the mat for gymnastics, for a two year old, this is huge; for a pregnant lady it's an even bigger event. Lydia will come home to a heart attack. She told me yesterday that she really wanted the house covered in hearts to celebrate Valentine's Day. And Tom. (sigh with a bubble of hearts around his name) Tom gets cheesecake. And me,  I get to make Mary's Pesto-Chicken Pizza. Yep, a day full of love.

Back to Normal Wednesdays

Just wanted to state how weird it was to wake up feeling pretty normal today. It must be the hormones, I can't think of anything else.
How can a person go from "I can never eat again" to "I don't feel intimidated by food, life as normal."?

Well, there it is. Happy Wednesday, I'll have to be watching out for those Tuesdays.

Terrible Tuesdays

I can't figure this out, but every Tuesday for the last few weeks have been very hard. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it is the weather, but every seven days I have a fall out. Today I'm petrified to go into my kitchen. Last Wed. I went to see my counselor. I said, "Yesterday I didn't want to eat because if I started eating I know I wouldn't be able to stop." Then she said, "Well, that's not what I'd like to hear. What I'd like to hear is 'Today I want to eat and I would like to stop.' "

Okay, well today I would like to eat and I would like to stop. The only way I'm doing that is to eat at a scheduled time and pre-plan what I'm going to eat. No, it doesn't liberate me, it's probably not what my counselor will want to hear, but it's the only thing I can do to keep functioning today. It's the only compromise between starvation and a binge. I want to be better so bad. I feel light-years away. I wish I were able to go and meditate and come back not caring about weight and how big I feel, but all I can do today is cry it out. Maybe that is a skill? Who knows. All l know is that I'm trying.
 Paul even came in and asked why I was crying.  We had to discuss how hard it is to make a baby and sometimes it just makes you cry. Paul said, "I'll bet you'll be happy when that baby gets all made". Oh yes, sweet Paul I will. Poor Tom had to give me a pep-talk over the phone.

Oh yeah, and now I remember what else

I wanted to update on this month of pregnancy.  January was great, and when I say great I mean all those things that I mentioned in my jan 4th post, I've been doing and it really does work. I've only had 10 days when I knew the world would end, out of 30 days, that's pretty dang good. The other 20 were do-able. I'm trying to read my scriptures in the day so that I get more out of my study. I also ran all of my treats to Nadine's last week when I felt the sky was falling. I think I will go back and re-claim them sometime. See, I usually throw everything out of my house when I start panicking about gaining weight that will "NEVER EVER COME OFF" (yeah, Eat. dis. talking there) and I swear up and down that I will not have treats ever in my house and I will do a myriad of things to ensure I don't gain any weight. BUT, I didn't do that this time. I didn't even think it. I did realize how much stress I felt with my treats in my kitchen, so I decided to take a small break until I feel more like myself. Yay, success and it helped.
 I do cry just about every day, but I refuse to let my "fat" feelings last. I do realize that third tri is absolutely the most trying for me and I've accepted that I just cannot change whatever is happening in my brain for my eyes to see a small fat girl instead of a beautiful bearing mother, but I don't have to let it go on. I can battle.  Moroni exhorted Pahoran to "be up and doing" and so I'm trying very hard to be up and doing instead of down and moping. Laughing is easier when you are mopping. Being kind is better when you are in the moment of Legos with your 5 yr old. None of that requires a mirror.

And now, to break up another kid fight.....

On being a mom

Here I am, so sick of my pregnant jeans. (yes, the ones that slip off your belly, sag half way down your bottom and leave you with a baggy crotch.) I've reduced my style to hospital green scrubs and an all too adorable pregnancy sweater from Target. Maybe if people are looking through my windows they will only notice my too adorable sweater. But, if the post man shows up, or my landlord demanding rent, they may well see a mother in all of her fashion glory.

The other thing is about being a mom is that you get fake like you've taken a shower by just changing your under ware and sprinkling baby powder through your hair...and that's really working for it.  There are just some great perks about being a mom. Oh... it's about time to roll out my cinnamon rolls. Sweet. Later!

I figured it out

This has taken me a four pregnancies to figure this out. When I'm pregnant, I feel mildly depressed...what do doctors call it? Dysthymia?(Just FYI: Dysthymia has a number of typical characteristics: low drive, low self-esteem, and a low capacity for pleasure in everyday life. Mild degrees of dysthymia may result in people withdrawing from stress and avoiding opportunities for failure. In more severe cases of dysthymia people may even withdraw from daily activities.^[4] They will usually find little pleasure in usual activities and pastimes.) Ya, that's just a little vocab word for the day.--Anyway but with a slight twist: I'm more moody. Wow. That was ingenious of me.

Okay, so here's the plan (because I always have a plan): First- low drive: Exercise everyday and take a nap. Wahoo, already doing that. And, it works. If I can't make it to the gym then I do this really cheesy video that my sister-in-law is letting me borrow. I can say it's cheesy because it really works and I love that she is also huffing and puffing with me. And a nap. Does anyone else run out of steam by 5pm and turn into a bear? This is me. Hate taking a nap, but I have to. Those two things keep my energy up for most of the day.
Second: Low self-esteem: Yeah and it doesn't help that I don't have any pregnant stretchy pants. My old stretchies are really getting stretched. However, this is not the real problem. The real problem is letting go of what I feel comfortable with. I went to my OB appt. on Wednesday. Turns out I did a 10 pound weight gain. I went home flipping out in my head a little, but then I realized, it's not the weight. I don't look in the mirror and say, "wow, I can see all ten of those pounds". It's the feeling that I'm headed down this slippery slope of which I have no control and I'll end up 300HU's. Having no control over my appetite is scary. Feeling a slave to something is never a comforting feeling. And worrying about the future only produces stress that doesn't exist yet. So, doing a little self therapizing is always a good solution. Here's how I brushed off the 10 pound weight gain. I looked backward. I do have tools. I do stop eating when I'm full. I don't abuse the privilege of feeling satiety and I usually don't even feel tempted to eat past the 'just right feeling'. I'm even to a point in my life where I can buy a three pound bag of peanut m&ms and not eat them until I'm sick. In fact, I haven't had any for a couple of days now....that reminds me that I'd like a few m&ms later today after my nap.... Really the weight gain is to accommodate the increase of body mass. That's great. Those leg lifts do weigh more than not exercising at all. And the baby is happy and growing right on target. Okay, no big deal, back to my life. I'm really super beautiful creating this kid.
Third: Low capacity for pleasure in everyday life: Yeah, that's a tuffie. Especially since it's winter and grey and gross and cold outside. Let's all veg inside. OR we could take the kids to the library, museums, sledding, and we could play card games. Once I get started I usually like the daily activities, it just takes ALOT of extra effort....and I hate that Tom usually doesn't make it home till the kids are in bed. Yeah, no, nothing can be done about that. Oh yeah, and it's really important that I have some sort of weekly schedule.
Fourth: Moodiness: Oh irritability I hate you. Sometimes I think it'd be better if I walked around with play dough in my ears and mint leaves up my nose. But then there's the problem of everyone wanting to talk to me, climb on my lap and hanging on  my legs. There's the beast of being a mom and being pregnant. I just don't want anyone to touch me or ask me questions over and over and over...Haven't figured this out except a very lot of praying and staying close to the spirit. Any thoughts?


Okay, so that's one more day of positive thinking until my sunny disposition decides to naturally show up. I really miss that sunny guy, so much fun to have in my head. Luckily, I have a back up: Trooper. If  one thing, Trooper really goes the distance.

I'd like to Update

Dear Friends and Fam,

If you have a blog that is not on my address links, PLEASE send me an email or leave a comment OR send me a message on FACE BOOk. If i'm not your friend on FB look for my name Tara Lynn Lyman. THhhhhanks.

Christmas Day is Awesome...and Snowless

It's amazing that I live in the northern part of the mid-west and here we are without snow...on Christmas! Oh well, it was such an enjoyable day at the river and park.

Don't you love the hats? Nana gave them as Christmas presents. Julia's is a bubbalo, Lyd a cat, paul a tiger. Of course if Paul would have looked at the camera this would be wall worthy, but alas, it is not to be. Also, don't be dissapointed when these exact pictures come out in our family holiday card email. Well, what can I say?

The Big 5

Happy Birthday to my dearest little man. I sure do love this guy.

Anorexia Continued...

I wanted to finish my post the other week...month. Time has a way of keeping me from posting, and the holidays. I'd also like to note that my friend, Josh Weed, is an inspiration to me. I may post more on that later about why I've chosen to open up on my blog about this eating disordered thinking I've come to battle with.
Okay, so where was I? Pregnancy. First, I'd like to note that it is nothing short of many blessings that my body works like clock work after the many years of no menses. Many times I feel guilty to have this  blessing, especially when I know so many of my friends and relatives struggle to become pregnant. This is one reason I'm in therapy to try to not berate myself on the challenge that it is for me to carry a child while knowing that anyone of these dear, dear people I associate with suffer infertility. So, it's hard for me to talk about this deep struggle I have because it may be perceived as whining or complaining. It's not. It's truly not, but with pregnancy comes something I can't control: a trigger toward anorexia. Last year I finally went to a doctor about it. I was suffering postpartum at it's worst as Julia fully weened herself from breast feeding. I felt I was on the brink of going back to what I had promised God so long ago I would never do. I've only ever once felt Satan's grasp literally around my shoulder, that was the week I realized I needed to be hospitalized. When I felt so low after weening Julia I felt a blackness come into my life. It is a miracle that Stacy was there at a book club meeting. If I hadn't have talked to her, I'm not sure if I would have had the strength to resist habits that seemingly died 14 years ago. I went to see a doctor who has experience with eating disorders, thus staying on top of the research that has been put out. I sat crying and shaking in his office. He told me about genetical findings, triggers that actually can trigger the DNA for anorexia/eating disorders. Between him and my eat. dis. counselor we've identified that when my body goes through major hormonal changes that triggers my eating disorder DNA so to speak, kind of like depression can be triggered or something of the kind. This sounds kind of hocus, but as he explained in further depth (using real medical terminology, I know I'm not explaining it correctly, I think Tom would be gouging his eyes out while he read this. But hey, I'm trying to give the idea without writing a medical book on the subject.) I felt something inside resinate with the words that were being spoken. For me, when my hormones shift so does my brain chemical. Some stuff goes up, some stuff goes down, add in the progesterone, etc and I'm a mess. NOT to mention that I gain weight, significant weight (yeah, I'm no barbie with a bump- it's the full 30-40 pounds baby). It's called being pregnant, I'm normal. But my distorted body image kicks in and all I can see is a mass of Fat Me. The only way I've found to get through it is to get my head out of the game as quickly as I can. I turn off my brain somehow, by cleaning, music, calling someone...a lot of someones. I'm getting off subject. I was talking to someone about this and they said, "well, if you say you can be healed, then why don't you have children after your healed." Good question. I've thought a lot about that. But here it is, I can't control how my body reacts to the hormonal shift. I wish I could say, "oh yeah, that doesn't trigger anything anymore." But let's face it. Every time I get pregnant is gets harder, no matter how much therapy or help I've gotten to regain my placing on the road to healing. It isn't impossible to be healed while your pregnant either, however, after much praying and temple going I've realized the right answer for me is to be perfectly and incandescently happy with four beautiful children. I think recovering from anything takes the courage to seek God's will and then learn to be content with it. To find joy in it.

I think that's all I wanted to talk about concerning my eating disorder for right now. Oh wait, an ending note. Several weeks ago I walked into my counselor's office ready to face the fact that I was always going to be that person who would struggle with an anoretic mind. My recovery is moving so slow. It's easy to control your physical self. It's so much harder to control your thoughts. I asked point blank if any of her clients fully healed, both physically and mentally. She said yes. I just sat there and cried. How can you not compare yourself to everyone in the room, especially if your life style is so closely matched to a friend or a sister? How can you not compare yourself to those who do hop on the diet band wagon? How can you not notice that you are the one with a muffin top? How can you not feel absolutely disgusting after eating five cookies and three pieces of pizza and a coke? Even if you don't do anything about it, how can you not FEEL the way a person with an eating disorder feels? At the end of the session I asked again if full recovery was possible. She said yes. Then I asked, how do these people know? What is their life like? How do they not? And Gwen said, "They just don't think about it. It never enters their mind." It might as well have been said straight from heaven. This is what I want, more than a size 2, more than anything anorexia could give me. Guys, it has taken me 14 years to say, "yeah, I still think this way." If it takes me another 14, I swear I will die in peace from anorexia. There will come a day when I will eat five cookies, three pieces of pizza and a coke and I won't even think about it. I won't even look at you the next day on face book or on your blog and wish to have your body. That will be the day when I will look at Anorexia and say, "I never knew you."

This is Julie in  a nutshell. Need I say more?

Turkey, the flu, and an intro to Anorexia

As every holiday ensues I'm reminded what is right around the corner, FLU SEASON! Paul and Julie broke us in two weeks ago, and then the night after Thanksgiving Julie decided to go for it again. That was fun, but maybe not as fun as sleeping through the night. So, I'm home from church because poor boo had a fever till 3pm yesterday. I should be taking a shower, getting lunch on, or picking up the rest of the living room I started cleaning about 30 minutes ago. UGH.... OR I could blog about what is on my mind.

After writing two entries in my "private blog" of my eating disorder, I decided writing all of that was as much work as sifting through was is actually bothering me. And, for some reason, I seem to complain a lot, and moan and groan about people I love and some I don't. You would think you'd come to some resolve, but reading it again later, doesn't bring clarity for me, it hampers my recovery. So, I'm making it a point to tell a little bit about whatever it is I want to talk about on my blog at random times. It seems a bit odd. You'd think I'd just phone a friend or my sisters or that I'd just journal. But I kind of want to share somethings in my recovery. I want people to understand the normalcy of an eating disorder instead of it feeling more like a red-alert or a label. I guess I also want to just share my life too.  We all have struggles and we all have joy. I like to hear both sides of peoples' life if they want to so share. So, in between my beautiful life of being a mother and posting the most adorable pictures of my American Dream, you'll also get buffed on the mortality of me as a human being. If you don't want to know, don't read.

Okay, now I'm out of time, but here's something I've thought of for quite a while: Anorectic vs Anorexic. What is the difference? I didn't know and thought nothing of it until Gwen (my amazing eat.dis. therapist) brought it to my attention. Anorectic is a tendency toward, a way of thinking or analyzing. Anorexic is a person in the action of Anorexia; a person actually in the act of starving. Now I know you can cruise the internet and find that my definitions don't necessarily match other searches. But, how-now, this is what Gwen and I talked about, so I'm sticking to this and I don't really care if I'm technically wrong, it's truth to me. When I was around twelve I started showing signs of an Anorectic mind, by 14 I was Anorexic. Didn't last long, by 15 I was treated in an adolescent hospital (I've always wished our insurance would have covered Center for Change, but now I see my journey was lead my God's hand.) While I was in the hospital I committed to God to never starve myself or doing anything extreme to my body if He would always be there for me. From that day I stopped hiding food, using diuretics, starving, over exercising, counting calories that didn't exist, etc. All of the actions stopped, but it took many years to change my thinking patterns. It's easy to control the body, but the mind is a willful
and stubborn old man. Positive changes in my life happened, I experienced what it was like to laugh at a story being told even though there was food in the room. I still remember the day I felt satiety kick in. It was at my senior Lakette Banquette. I'll never forget it. It is a golden memory stands as a tender mercy from God for me to treasure. There were a lot of hardships. Gwen and I use this phrase, "pendulum swings". It took me five years to naturally say, 'stop, you feel great, don't eat that anymore'. One night on our way home from Cottages and Cranberries I ate almost an entire loaf of bread from Great Harvest. I could not stop eating. I wanted to, I felt so full I started to cry. I felt awful shame, but I could not regain any self-regulation. It is the same feeling as starving yourself really.

Inch by inch I've found little tools that have helped me gain an understanding of how to put the puzzle of normal eating back together. By the time I met Tom I must have been at my heaviest weight and I was so super frustrated about the swings of the pendulum going from what I considered normal to literally eating like a cow (you know they eat most the day, and chew their cud the rest). I found in Tom something I hadn't found before and I don't know what it is exactly except I was able to see myself as a little attractive and I just tried to follow his eating patterns. There it was- just a tiny bit of stability. Then I got pregnant..... to be continued.

Randomness of Summer and Fall

Happy Halloween, you can see julia was really excited about her lion outfit.

our newest love. Our family fitness center has a cool wall. Check Lyd out in a skirt!

 My birthday. I think something happened, or Tom said something really funny. Either way, I love being 29 and I love this picture!!!






We went to Steak n' Shake for my birthday. Loved it. You need to try the Monte Cristo sandwich...I think that's the name.

Look at those cute kids picking out pumpkins! yeah, Julie might have only wanted to go chase the squirrels.





One of our many "hikes" here in Indiana. This one was really cool bc we came to train tracks, found a pile of track goods....we felt like hobo pirates! The kids tried to haul their loot back. They only made it 10 yards. Those nails are heavy.

 

I will let you guess what part of the armed forces my children want to join.








Paul and Tom catching some Walleye at about 4am.






Forgot this Halloween pic. Ahhh, love my juber.

Look at these adorable faces. Paul is at the BYU/ND game, julie at the stake fair, and Tom reminding me of the joy of running.

After almost a year, I did it.

Right now I feel a little triumphant. After almost a year I've set up a blog for me to write about my recovery from postpartum. It's a little easier to say than Anorexia. I've not starved myself for 15 years, but I've realized I've not fully recovered either. That is a hard thing to admit. It's hard to go back to counseling and find true healing. I have to go now, but it feels good to finally do something that was so hard to do for so long.

We are Here

Sorry folks, I've been hiding from doing this. I think I feel guilty when I don't upload a picture, so then I just don't post anything....

Here's some updates:
Lydia and Paul are riding without training wheels (whahoo!)
Tom bought us all a canoe
Julia is as honery as a bear
We are moving in two or three weeks
I'm running the Sunburst half on June 2nd

I'm thinking of posting some about my recovery from post partum/anxiety...yeah I dunno, what do you think? Somehow blogs are always so smiley and gooey that it'd almost kill the mood. I'd start a separate blog but I'd never really keep track of it. It's one of those things that I think about, but can't make up my mind and then I get muddled and then my brain goes, blurp.

Christmas Story All Over Again

Alright, so March is here and December is WAYYY past, but I need to document that we actually do stuff. Here's prior to a great sledding day over Christmas Break. Look at Julie, she's such a puffalump! I'd upload more pics, but this took 2 minutes to load. REALLY? Is this blogspot, or is it my computer? Gee Wizz.

Here we are

I know, I really need to post a pic. Oh, and you would be so happy to see little Julia with her wild hair and crusty baby face! But, I'm lazy, so this is all.

Tom and I finally had a "first moment". For date night we finished the baby shower details, caught up on our show AND THEN (here comes the first moment)-- sat on the couch him on his iphone, me on the lap top. And we just surfed the net, quitely, looking in on the other, small chat...
It's after midnight and he just left. At first, when the clock chimmed 11 I thought we should be so dutiful and get our buns in bed, but sometimes it's nice just not to have to do anything, be anywhere, not doing ANYTHING! I'm sure I'll pay tomorrow, but tonight it was nice. It was. Here we were, just enjoying the night together after we enjoyed the earlier night together. And now, I'm going to bed to enjoy sleeping by his side (why is it two people need a double when they both sleep so close they could share a twin? But, hey I'm holding out for my king someday. It can get squishy when you find a child wiggled in)- it's just nice. Wow, 12:30 just hit me like a ton of bricks.
OHHHH, wait...I also had another first! I went on my FIRST Field trip with my eldest! Eh, it would have been less exciting had Paul not come. Lydia only cared about her friends and wanted me to see her from a distance, which is okay. BUT Paul had a formal invitation from the principal to come and he thought I was the cat's pajamas. Get this: The Magic School Bus Live. It was a play and it was great. And yeah, I cried riding the school bus home because there's the first and I love it and I love being a mom.